My step-brother Ivan raped me. I was 10 years old.
He wasn’t the first person to ever violate me or my body (that I know of anyway). My sister’s husband molested me when I was 4. I am nearly 30 years old and I still remember that certain event clearly. He told me to put my shorts down and he rubbed my private area outside of my underwear. That’s what I remember along with other details. I don’t know exactly what else happened and if he did anything else.
When I was 10, my step brother Ivan raped me. It wasn’t forced, not everything anyway. At age 10, I developed what only grown people should feel. I developed feelings for him. It’s absolutely absurd that at that young age someone could feel things in a romantic way for someone who should know better. Worse that they took advantage of it.
I was 10 and he was 17. I was a child and he violated me. I am pretty sure he had other victims, but only one other person that I know of besides me. When he first started violating me, I saw it as completely normal behavior although I knew it was wrong.
I spoke up about what my sister’s husband did. I’m not completely sure if my mom made a police report. She stated that she did but I never saw anything come of it. I saw him a couple of times after that. I know that I was angry about it. I didn’t feel listened to. I wasn’t heard. No therapy, nothing occured. I remember my mom conversing with my sister about it in the car. My sister stated that he said he didn’t do it but to call the cops “if she wants”. My sister didn’t leave him after that. She didn’t. Although I know she was his victim as well, I felt betrayed by her. I still feel now she enabled him.
So when Ivan raped me, I felt guilt. I felt like he didn’t exactly do anything wrong. I was even guilted when I told him no. He was hurting me and I screamed “No!”. He then told me he would never touch me again, as if he was doing me a favor. I felt like I had done something wrong. I felt shame for not dealing with the pain. I mean, I had feelings for him. I spoke up about it to my mom but then I said it was a joke. I constantly tried to speak up about it but again, I said I was only kidding. I guess I was scared that it would be ignored just like it was when I was 4. Plus, I doubted my mom would have done anything about it. I was scared to admit, maybe to myself that he did anything wrong. I protected him. I protected my abuser. I did.
I spoke up about it when I was 16. He denied it of course.
I still feel disgusted about it and now that my brain has developed a lot more; I realize how being raped has been normalized. We speak about it but no one hears us. No one wants to hear about it and they still expect you to shove it under the rug. We are still called liars, and we are blamed for their actions. We are told, “Well, you clearly wanted it!”. What I needed was therapy, and not be violated even more!“. I did not deserve to be violated by these men.
However, these weren’t the only men that took advantage of me. The next thing to come was that I coped by having sex with other men. I was 12 years old. Many still would say that ” I pursued them”. Yes, I did. I pursued the majority of these men. They saw a young unloved child and instead of sending me home, they took advantage of it”. I am not holding them responsible for my actions. I am holding them responsible for theirs! They ALL knew my age. They knew how old I was but they didn’t care about that. I have come to the conclusion that some men don’t care about doing the right thing as long as it benefits them. They will do whatever to get their penis wet.
I can tell you that I trusted a few mandated reporters about this. Instead, they told my mom. They didn’t do anything to actually help me. Instead, they condemned me. I understand that they couldn’t keep an eye on me 24/7 and I understand that I have some responsibility in that but it was their moral responsibility to do whatever to help me even if it was not in their job description. However, as mandated reporters they had to do something, yet they didn’t. They slut shamed me instead. They didn’t care to find the root cause.
I have never shared this part of my life with my family. I have felt very ashamed of my past. I have felt the same shame that many other girls have felt. Those girls that have been told to keep silent, those that share similar stories as myself. In this society, we defend rapists, especially men because we are protectors, and enablers. We feel like it’s our need to nurture because WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS TO US IS OUR FAULT. Now, this may not apply to all men because it’s obvious that some men are falsely accused, and wrongfully convicted. Also, women can rape too. I am fully aware of this. We all protect our own and we enable them. We don’t hold them responsible because all of our lives, we have been taught that rapists are not at fault. We somehow are responsible for them raping us. We excuse them as if they have no control over themselves. We as women, are supposed to be modest, mothering, spiritual, caretakers. We are supposed to not be provocative and we are supposed to not wear revealing clothes because men have no self control. We act like men are helpless and we love to blame women for everything. It’s as if we’re blamed for having a vagina; as if having a vagina automatically disqualifies us, or means that we’re less. We are not less important than men.
This is what I was taught growing up by my family, by the people around me, the people on TV. This is what we are teaching these boys, these men. Now, I know many amazing men but the things some do to us is excruciating and it needs to stop. We need to do better. Apparently we need to teach everyone regardless of gender not to rape (although it should be a given!) And we need to not silence those that speak up or try to.
I am not attacking ALL men. I am attacking those that RAPE and those that enable these rapists to continue doing these evil, and atrocious acts. I am bluntly calling out all rapists. Those that were in my life, and those of others.
All that happened to me destroyed part of me and it really disoriented me in ways that no one will ever understand. I didn’t understand it in the moment and I coped in the most ironic ways.
These men that have raped, and are currently raping should not be enabled to continue their ways. They need to be stopped. We all have a story to share. Whether you’re a female or a male that has been raped, you should never feel like what happened to you is not worth sharing. I am not protecting abusers. I have been done protecting Ivan and people like him. I am not 10 years old anymore! I am protecting the victims that have been silenced way too long.
We were once victims but now we are survivors. These men that were once part of my life, that violated and raped me will no longer EVER have a hold on me. They didn’t break me. I put the pieces back together and got back up again. My step-brother, these men will forever be rapists. This may not mean anything to them and they may never feel an ounce of guilt and that is okay. Their feelings don’t matter to me but truth does.
The truth is that I was violated and I know I am not the only one. I know that I’m not alone in this. I was taught that I had to feed men’s ego because only their voice counts. What they say is what matters and our voice means nothing. We are damned for speaking our mind, our truth. We are belittled, and shamed for being outspoken and for falling victim to someone else’s cruel actions. We are told that our truth means nothing if a man does not agree.
I say now that we deserve to be treated with respect, and we deserve to not be violated. We deserve to set boundaries and be valued.
We are not less, or better. We are WOMEN and we are not made to be raped.